when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
