and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
