dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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