we have officially lost it.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
