perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
