Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
