Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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