i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
