I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
