After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's official drugs can't kill me
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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