Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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