First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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