I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Drake has all the answers
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
