i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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