if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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