11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
