im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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