He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
