Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
