i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
