I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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