Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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