i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
