drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
