ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
