I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Randomize
