The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
