dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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