I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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