Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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