sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
foreskin is a definite game changer
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
