Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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