Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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