Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
