I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
