so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
