I'm so fucking centered right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
