put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
