im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
