Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
