Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
