Barsexuality is the new black.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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