she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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