I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
