Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
