so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
