im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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