I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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