I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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