I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
