I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
